Swamped

OK, it's pretty near official.......I am starting to feel swamped.  Oh, I know, I always seem to feel that way.  Too much to do and not nearly enough time to get it done in.  Or, just plain lack of total know-how on how to get it done.

Not talking about work, although that is a small piece of the swamp I'm mired in. I manage to get work taken care of.  After all, I need my job......and I enjoy it.

 No, it's the stuff of daily living.  I feel like I just can't handle it all any more. I feel like my psyche is wanting to skid to a dead stop, throw up its hands, and say, "I surrender."  But I can't do that. It's not like I constantly work at it.......no, I spend a good bit of time each day staring at piles of stuff to be done, both literal and figurative piles.  It seems impossible to make a start, and the piles just get bigger, of course.

And don't many people feel just that way?  Like life keeps throwing curve balls just when things seem almost on an even keel, like the details just keep adding up?  (I'm mixing metaphors with the best of them!)

How do you combat the numbness?  How do you fight that feeling of helplessness, like you just can't keep your head above water any longer?  Is it age starting to defeat me?  Is it simply that I've crossed the 60-year barrier and I'm just plain tired?

More, at another time.......too much to do to continue at the moment. And I can't stop now.

Who Knows Where the Time Goes

I am a little tired of people asking me if I am “enjoying my retirement.”  I know they mean well.  I would love to answer, simply, “Yes, of course!”  But frankly, retirement feels pretty much like working.

I know we should have planned for how we were going to live out our retirement.  We thought we had more time to think about things, to pull everything together into a neat, workable package.  But it didn’t work out that way for us.  Health issues got in our way, and we both retired sooner than we had planned.  Believe me when I tell you, when that happens, retirement bites you….. back (I decided not to use the familiar idiom, as my language has been pretty “clean” all my life, but you can read between the lines.)

Every time I see one of those ubiquitous commercials about “diversifying your portfolio,”  I could scream.  Most people in our immediate experience don’t  have “portfolios.”  They are doing well if their paychecks stretch from month to month.  I know there are folks out there who have done a better job of managing resources.  They have been careful about what some would call “frivolous” spending.  They have managed to put aside a nest egg.

But I am afraid, in our family, the enjoyment of life’s simple pleasures has eaten away at our resources.  Going to movies, listening to music, and reading books and magazines all cost money.  Eating out, not necessarily at expensive establishments, has further chipped away at our money.  Food at home has been of a good quality……lots of fruit and veggies and whole grains coupled with lean meats and seafood  takes a financial toll.  But hey, I’m Cajun and Bob just appreciates good food.  No bologna and white bread for us.  Call us weak, and we have to admit, yes, we have been a bit self-indulgent in some ways.

But we never, ever took our family on a “vacation.”  We never made the pilgrimage to Disney World.  We watched other families go…..to the mountains, to the beach, overseas…..and felt a bit of awe that they could afford it all.  Our children apparently grew up none the worse for missing out on such excursions.  They traveled to Disney World with the school band, or took a trip to the Huntsville Space Center with the gifted group.  Our two eldest lived with us in Elkhart, Indiana for two weeks in two summers, and got to visit places like Shipshewana and Goshen.  That counts, I guess, as a kind of “vacation.”  We were taking seminary classes, so it didn’t really feel that recreational on our end.

Bob retired because of long-term side effects of a Whipple procedure.  When they removed his pancreas and parts of other things and requilted his digestive system, there were physical results that don’t show up until years later.  Since no one expects patients like Bob to still be around years later, no one really knows what to do with these side effects. So, he quit teaching several years before he intended.

Without blaming any specific people, I have to say that the stress of teaching in an environment dominated by testing paranoia finally took its toll on my body and mind.  I, too, retired several years earlier than planned.  Only a few weeks after retiring, I landed in the hospital with a serious bout of ischemic cholitis.  I was very, very ill, and finally had the explanation for the constant sickness that made me miss so much school that final semester. 

My part-time work at The Meridian Star is mostly enjoyable……mostly, I say, because it is still, after all, work.  It helps to pay for our health insurance, which takes more than half of my retirement check each month.  It is a great blessing, but I don’t really consider myself “retired” yet.  God has been gracious in placing me in a work environment where I feel appreciated and valued, and where my skill set is useful.  I came into this job knowing zilch about it, really, and my colleagues have helped me all along the way to get the job done.  We’ve even had some fun doing it.

I’m not sure where all this rambling is headed.  I keep feeling proddings to write about life, about growing old, about what is lost and what is gained from living.  I am not sure what to do with these proddings, but I thought I’d let my fingers follow my thoughts and see where they led today……

Don't like this new look.....

I haven't been here in quite a while......a lot has been going down.
To start with, after having two really fantastic days with the NIE book sale and participation in the Downtown Art Crawl, I had to go into the hospital with another ischemic cholitis attack.  My really sweet colleagues at work plus two outside volunteers conducted the last day of the book sale for me, a kindness I can never repay.

I was in danger of having a piece of my colon taken out, but the docs felt I could continue to try to heal naturally.  If I have another attack within the next 6 months, though, they'll go in and do that.  To tell you the truth, when I saw the colonoscopy pictures of the ulcerated portion, I kind of wanted them to go in and yank it out now.....I am fearful of a perforated bowel, which would be a life-threatening event.  But everyone seems confident that we an handle this without surgery. 

To complicate matters, I fell on my left side in the hospital room bathroom, on the hard tile floor.  My arm and hip just felt kind of banged up, and I assured everyone I was okay. When I got home, I pretty much did nothing for about a week, thanks to my patient and loving hubby.  But when I got back to work a  week later, my lft shoulder and arm began to get worse.  My range of motion was limited and there was a lot of pain.  Anderson's set me up with Dr. Durgin, and I'm doing PT for six weeks. 

I can't take NSAID's because of the ischemic condition, and lortab wasn't really doing the job, so I got a steroid shot in my shoulder yesterday.....on MY BIRTHDAY!  Today  there's a huge improvement in my arm and shoulder, but I am so fatigued.  After working only two hours, I felt exhausted.  I know I'm supposed to be resting, but we also need money to pay bill, get food, buy gas, etc.   So.  Here I am, planning a second book sale for early in June.

Nothing I've told you has anything to do with the new blogger format......I have nothing to say about that except I don't like it.  But I'm sure Google thinks it knows what it's doing.

I'll try to write a more upbeat post soon, so hang with me.

All You Single Ladies, and Everyone Else Too

The other day at work, I accidentally overheard a phone conversation in which one of my co-workers was trying to coordinate an intricate dance of chauffering jobs.  After she got off the phone, I asked her who was taking care of her.  She spent the next half hour telling me in intricate detail about her life, dealing with ex's, children, step-children, parents.....etc.  I gladly listened, because I could hear, behind her rather frenzied narrative, her desperation at having to do it all.
Where does she possibly find a way to carve out time from her overly busy day for herself?  Where can she go to find peace? Who can she turn to when she needs caring for......if she ever admits she needs it and tries to ask for it?
There are women all around you who are frantically multi-tasking, juggling home, work, marriage - or divorce - children, elderly parents, and heaven only knows what else. They have either not learned to delegate, or there is no one responsible enough in their life to delegate to.  Day after day, week after week, year after year these women struggle on, with far more plates spinning than the performers we used to watch in awe on old TV variety shows.
Is it any wonder that their plates begin to wobble?  Is it any wonder that doctors' offices are full of women seeking chemical help to enable them to have the focus and calm to keep carrying their loads?
It's easy for an outsider- particularly a man - to say, well, make them do things themselves. Don't enable your children's neglect of taking care of their own stuff. Don't enable your deadbeat husband by throwing up your hands and deciding it's easier to do it yourself than leave things to him, knowing they won't get done.
But women aren't wired like that.  They're wired to be the caretakers, the caregivers.
God blessed me with a man who tries his best to equalize the load. Yet even I carry around everybody's "stuff," worrying over this and that detail.  And my children are all grown!  Thank goodness they are, slowly but surely, insisting on assuming their own responsibilities, realizing they need to liberate me and get on with their lives. Yet, still I worry.
I wish I had the money to buy this co-worker a mini-vacation at a spa. I would like to see her feel pampered and utterly taken care of, her every need met.  But even after a couple of days of quiet, Swedish massages, great restaurant eating, and sinking off to blessed deep sleep on a deep, plush matress, she'd have to return to the treadmill of tension and time-juggling that is her life. And she has so many sisters.
I know men have a hard load to carry, too.  So many men feel they have to always be the strong one, but they are full of tension and pain and need  caring for as well.  Most of them would die rather than admit need.

How sad we all are. We medicate ourselves so we can keep going, doing too much, far more than we were built to handle at one time. We try to appear invincible, capable. It's in control. No worries, it'll all get taken care of. Somehow. I think God watches us and sadly shakes His head. He has a lot to teach us about living differently, if only we would stop a while and make a place in our day to be quiet and listen.

Art in the Park #1

Quitman's first annual Art in the Park was a huge success, from all indications.  I know Bob and I had a good time and sold more pottery than we dreamed. God really blessed us.  With Bobby and Jessica's help, we had a nice set-up with a canopy, and Bob had his wheel set up.  It was fun to watch folks watch him throw.....especially little kids.

 The opening group was the Quitman High School show choir and chorus, and they did a great job.  I got to hug several students I miss from last year.
We got to see some folks we hadn't seen in years, people who played important roles in our lives.


One example: Martha Hamrick, who was Emma's preschool teacher at the Quitman First Methodist pre-school.  She has fond memories of Emma, and we talked a good while. Another example: Rose Longwitz, DeeDee's and Bobb's choral teacher at Quitman High School.  And those are just two of the dozens of folks we got to reconnect with.

The weather was perfect......Mrs. Holloman, one of the main event coordinators, couldn't have possibly called up a more beautiful day. Earlier in the week, there were weather predictions of 50% chance of rain, but the only clouds in the sky were welcome ones that blocked the sun and brought occasional wisps of coolness.
The food vendors had delicious goodies......one church group from near Butler, Al, had delicious BBQ pork skins made fresh.  The Kettle Corn man was there, and I finally tasted some of that sweet-salty popcorn. I saw several funnel cake vendors, but I found the will to resist!  (Kinda wish I hadn't.)
I never got to walk around and see what the other vendors had for offer......that's my only regret.  Next year I'll make it a point to get around and see other booths.  We were pretty busy at ours, though, so I'm not complaining.
What a lovely way to introduce the community to the new Mary Carter Park in the center of the town.  I hope the powers that be can find other events to host there, because it's really a pleasant venue.
Special kudos to the Mount Hebron Baptist Church worship drama group......they performed very well, and were an excellent way to bring the event to its close. Talented young people who love the Lord treated the crowd to several small skits and some lovely singing with worship dance and pantomime.
If you missed out on going, you missed out on lots of fun and smiling faces. 

Red Clover Joy

On my way to work this morning, I saw the red clover peeping out all along the highway in patches here and there.  It's a small thing, so trivial, but the first sighting of red clover makes my heart sing!
I remember clearly, the first spring after we had moved to Mississippi, the first time I saw red clover.  I grew up with totally white clover, the kind little girls make "daisy chains" with.  At school recess, we would gather in the yard and pick and string up piles of white clover.  The scent of it; oh, such memories that brings back, of warm, humid days and green grass stains on skirts.
I did not know clover came in other colors!  I recall asking my neighbor what all those red wild flowers were.....lush carpets of them all along the road, in the neutral ground between lanes and along the roadside.  "Why, that's just clover," she said, laughing at my ignorance.  I was bowled over.
Now, the red clover is a special signal to me of the passing of the year.  Summer is just around the corner.  There are patches of white flowers too, which I guess are like dandelions, though they don't quite resemble the ones I grew up with.  And soon, the gentle hillsides along the road will be wearing patches of a lavendar, heather-like flower.
Red clover is here.....Mississippi spring is so wonderful, so magnificently colorful, a riot of nature's paintbrush, and the natives just think I'm a little crazy.  They don't see it with the same eyes as I do.
Louisiana has its own natural beauty.  The swamps near my home had cattails, lavender bulb plants whose name escapes me, yellow and white daisies and dandelions, Queen Anne's lace......but it seems to me I saw these most all the time.  They didn't just suddenly appear, as if by magic, because the season had changed.
Maybe I notice such things more as an adult than I did as a child.
I just know the red clover made me happy this morning. Magic.....God's paintbrush all over the roadside, and people just don't notice it.  What a shame.

My First Book Drive

When I set out to have a used book drive/sale to benefit the Newspaper in Education program at The Meridian Star, I had no concept of the backbreaking labor it would be to carry and shift boxes of books, and then sort through them, one by one.  Thank God for Terry in the mailroom, with his dollies, helping me to move carfuls of book boxes with nothing but a cheery word and smile during the process.  And the ladies in the "front" part of the paper help to carry bags and boxes that get dropped off up front.
The drive is only nine days old, and I can't count the number of books folks have donated.  I myself have a lot more to bring and add to the pile.
We have signed copies of books by local writers, including one of Homesick, a memoir by Sela Ward about growing up - and coming home - to Meridian. The members of The Mississippi Writers' Guild have been sending me signed copies of their works, and that is an exciting part of this whole process.
Some really antique books have shown up deep inside some of these boxes.  I have an 1850 mathematics text from some university in either Kentucky or Tennessee, and there are others.  I plan to do a bit of research before setting these vintage books out.
Many people, like me, come to a time in life when we feel ready to lighten the load of possessions we have carted around with us all our lives.  A time to let loose and let others share in what we've treasured. The books that really touch my heart are those with inscriptions: to Mama on her birthday, to Sally for Christmas......those kinds of things.  Eventually, all things must pass on.   It is a reminder of the short, transient nature of our life upon this earth.  We truly will take nothing with us but the bodies into which our souls were imbued.
I hope people come to our sale......not sure when exactly it will be yet.  The prices will be good, and I'd love to see us raise hundreds of dollars for our NIE program.  It all goes to get free newspapers into the hands of students.  God bless this work.