I Have Four Children

Since Emma's passing - I cannot yet bring myself yet to say Emma's death - I find myself wondering if it's okay to say I have four children.  When filling out a form or writing a profile, I have caught myself wavering.  Do I have only three now?  Does Emma's life not count anymore, now that she's gone?
I mentioned this to a coworker this week, and she said, of course, you still have four children.  It's just that one of them is in a different place.  I like that.
Today is indeed the last day of her last year on earth, as DeeDee pointed out on her Facebook status.   I hadn't thought about it, but it goes lend a deeper finality to Emma's lifespan.  1988-2011.  Not anywhere near long enough for her family and friends to know her, but apparently long enough in God's plan.
Emma, I miss your calls on your cigarette breaks.  That's usually when you would call, when you had stepped outside for a smoke.  I miss your "rubbing feet."  I miss your tight hugs that swamped me.  I miss your voice, singing the songs that were special to you. 
What I don't miss is worrying over you......wondering where you were, whom you were with, what you were doing.  I definitely don't miss those times.  I don't miss the time you left for Tennessee and I lay down and wept furiously for the loss of my little girl.  I don't miss the times when you were so "up" that you fairly vibrated, and set your surroundings on fire with nervous energy.
Your artwork peeps out here and there around the house.  There are little pictures of you at all stages. But the absolute favorite of mine is the little flower girl.  You are standing in front of the house on Stagecoach road, wearing spring playcothes and a jaunty hat, clutching a bouquet of wildflowers. Your smile at the camera is so perfectly happy, as if you would invite the whole world into yours if you could.  "See?"  the flowergirl says, "See how beautiful the world is?  Look at my flowers and love me!"  And I do, Emma-girl, I do.....and I'm crying.